Break The Dawn

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About me

Hi!
Oh sorry... who am I?
I'm Jatator (known also as Sartern or Nina Southbell)
 and i'm 18 years old girl(or boy whatever) from Finland, I'm studying for graphic designer in Raahe for the 2nd year for now. My horoscope is Aries.
I'm super addicted to video games and social media. But even for that, i'm pretty shy and uncommunicative person even that I don't look like it. I spend my spare time on computer, alone in my room. I'm also living in a shared apartment, I have 2 roommates and for a person who is shy and so on.... it's kinda hard to live.

<-- Oh also that's my fursona Nixi.
I'm usually really nice person to people who are nice to me, but that also means i'm such a pain in the ass for people who I don't like or who are mean to me, but no worries, that doesn't mean that everyone who hates me has to run for their life's (for now... hehehehe....), just kidding. I'm really protective person to my friends and it looks like i'm always the one who runs to the fight because of my friends, I love helping them and that's why i'm also always the one who gets hurt, if someone messes with my friends, they mess with me.

I have been bullied through my whole life and it had left some scars, I get aggressive really easily and I also feel guilty almost every thing that happens to my closest friends and family, it all just feels like it's all my fault. Wanna know more? Then keep reading...

About my SSO Character

Name: Nina Southbell
Server: Spring Star (WE1)
Level: 15
Home Stable: Jorvik Stables

Club: Shadow Hooves (Owner)
Number of horses: 52

So... It all started on kindergarten, in those times I didn't pay attention to it, but I realized I was always alone, usually I just sat inside drawing while other kids where outside playing games and so on, and nobody never asked or wanted me to be with them. Same continued when I started school, in that I also got my first bully's they we're on 2nd grade when I game 1st, in that it was just name calling "Fat girl", "Aloner", "Father's Girl" and so on. 
I started new hobby (horse riding) when I was on 3rd grade and of course those same people came to me more often calling me "Horsegirl", "Wow you smell like horse poop", "Ew! horse fever don't go near her!" and so on... It was kinda mean and sometimes I came home crying. When I was on 5th grade I didn't get enough horses, I loved horses so much back then, so I started to ride on hobbyhorses (or stick horses call them whatever you want). And that was the real bullet when I made little video on Youtube where I did ride 17 seconds on a hobbyhorse, of course my bullies found the video and shared it with everyone in my school.... Well that's how the hell started and even that I got hate I started to make more videos, because I hoped that someday they would realize how "cool" it was.... Well looks like it wasn't. But in that grade I got few friends who came to me and said "hey, that what you do is actually pretty cool and we have also started to ride on hobbyhorses", it was the greatest day of my life and I felt so happy that I finally got friend.... well it didn't last long..

When I ended 6th grade and I went to secondary school. It was summer break between 6th and 7th grade when I was on messenger with the other girl and suddenly she said "let's put on group discussion" and I was like "okaay?". When I got there the only thing they said was "Sorry but we're not interested to hang out with the girl like you, you're weird and we're not even in the same school anymore, sorry!", after that I just started to cry and I ran to upstairs, when my mom saw that she was shocked and she went to read all the messages, after that I never spoke to those girl ever again....

Well finally it started.. My first day in 7th grade in the upper school and I was seriously friendless person middle of the nowhere, in that school there was over 500 students, and what a big surprise.... they all knew my horse hobby's, so everywhere I went to I get name calling and sometime people started to push me whenever they saw me.... At the end of 7th grade I still did run with my hobbyhorses, but suddenly I just gave up that idea and quit, I also went to Youtube and deleted all my videos, at the same time my first cat Miisu died.
I started 8th grade and I was really upset and I hated myself, in that grade I first time went to tell teachers what's really happening, and what a big surprise, they didn't believe me at all.... 
This was just a start... One day I came up with idea "I wanna lose weight", in those times I was plump, so I started it with innocent way, little less chips, candy and other things. But in time, I lost control of it and in the end I nearly ate anything. In the morning when I woke up I didn't eat anything, also in school I didn't eat anything and when I went to home I always said "i'm not hungry I ate at school", that was a lie. Sometimes I ate yogurt and some cucumber, I didn't eat anything else. I realized I losted my weigh little bit and it gave me power to think "how I can lose weigh faster?". I still did ride so I called to my riding teacher and I asked could I come sometimes to work in stables and help on lessons and so on, she accepted. The more I losted my weigh the more sad I became. Bullying, hard work, not much sleep and not so much food, everything seemed so unreal.

 One day the bullying was so strong I went to talk my teacher and she promised to talk with head master, and the answer.... "we can't do anything until we have proof about it"... Yeah, seriously? They did nothing about it. At the same time I met one girl in online and we became friends and one day we decided that we should meet in real life, I had seen her though web cam and she had seen me. I went to ask that from my mom, she said no and we started to fight. At the end of the fight I cried and screamed at her face "I want to fucking die!" and ran out of the house. 
My mom did call to the school, we had little talk with my class about the bullying, really? Like that's gonna do anything that you talk like under 10% of the school students. So the bullying kept on and one other day I remember we went to tour in the vocational school, I haven't ate much and I nearly fainted. 
One day one guy came to me in the middle of all people and hit me, after that I started to skip school lessons. 
I usually went to the school nurse and told him "I feel bad can I go home". She was the only person in the school who understanded me and she always let me go home, she also asked me many times "are you okay/ how are you feeling?" and so on, I just usually asked "yes i'm fine" or something else. About week later I fell in the ground when I was gonna go to school and I couldn't get up, my mom took me the hospital, I haven't drinked enough so I was so dry that my body lost all the energy. After a week of that I fainted in class. This kept going on though the whole 7th to 9th grade but in the start of 9th grade I got friend and for a little by little she made my mind up.

Those 3 years we're the worst and I hope I will never ever have to go though nothing like that... still in these days there's some bullies who try to put me down, but I will try to keep thinking that they're below me because they have nothing better way to make themselves feel better than a way where they bully other people.

I've been though a lot and there's not even half of the things... but if I would write everything up, I couldn't stand it myself.

But here's the total:
- I have been bullied 11 years
- I have tried suicide, but failed
- I have cutted myself

But after all that, it makes me special, it makes me the who I am, and I hope you respect that.

ps. All of that text are true, nothings fake and nothing changed.
-Thank you for reading this.